Cheer up a City fan! - JOKE THREAD

[LA Metros Hockey Player]

What the hells a Scotchman?

[DALEY MAYALL of YE PEST]

[DALEY MAYALL of YE PEST]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm. "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth.' he says, "Now...can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that.......


..........can I see her wun awound?”

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Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. “Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious.”

The crowds are up on their feet “Haaiiiil mighty Caesar”.

Brutus turns to his mate and says: “Caesar doesn’t half talk some crap,
he couldn’t fight his way out of a wet parchment bag.”

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and
addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. “Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we
killed 50,000 Gauls”.

The crowds stand and cheer. “Haaiiiil mighty Caesar”.

Brutus once again turns to his mate “I’m sick of his bull. I’m off to France to check this out.” So Brutus sets off for France. Three weeks later he comes back to Rome, just as Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again.

Caesar is giving his usual patter to the assembled throng, “Friends, Romans Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out!”

The crowd roars, “Haaiiiil mighty Caesar”.

Brutus jumps up and shouts: “Caesar, you are exposed as a liar!! You
told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I’ve been there
to check it out and you only killed 25,000!”

The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and
looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says:

“Brutus, you are forgetting one thing........away Gauls count double in Europe!"
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SEARCHING THE FRIDGE FOR ANOTHER CAN.

[ROSDOG]

[Willincity]

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."

Again the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "You probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my god, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chan sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
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Just read about the evils of drinking and though it's about time I gave up this bloody reading.

[York35]

A Russian fella, Spanish fella and Koreon Fella are each helping out at the local construction site one day. In the morning the foreman arrives and first addresses the Russian.

"You sir, will be in charge of the pile of sand just over there" Pointing to a mound of sand.

"You sir, will be in charge of the pile of soil we have just over there" he says to the Spanish worker, pointing at the pile of soil.

Finally he wanders over to the Korean fella. "You sir, will be in charge of the supplies for the day" The foreman says.

The foreman then tells the three workers he will be back later in the day to check on them.

The foreman arrives back later and straight away asks the Spaniard "How did you get on with the soil?"

"It's over there now" the spaniard says. The foreman moves onto the Russian "How did you get on with the sandl?"

"It's over there now" The Russian says. The foreman then looks around for the Korean but can't find him, he asks the others where he is but before he can finish his sentance, the Korean leaps out from behind the Sand and Soil and yells


"SUPPLIES!"

[TooOldToPogo]

I think I might be in that 'Life on Mars" for real
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Yeah right !

[o2baYORKIE]

Our dog seems to have become quite a handy locksmith. I shoved a poker up his ar*e the other night and he made a bolt for the door...
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"Feeling lighter, darker, brighter, consciousness begins to falter. Holding you I start to wonder, pull you out or drag you under?"

[Father Patrick]

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."
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"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for Douglas Craig to enter the kingdom of God"
(Mk. 10:24-25 NIV).

[YorkCityForever]

A blonde goes into PC World & says that she wants to buy some curtains for her computer.

The sales assistant says, "I'm sorry but we don't sell curtains & you don't need them for a computer anyway."

The blonde says, "Er, HELLLLOOO............ it's got windows."


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The light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off...........................temporarily!

[AllModCons]

Oh I get it, the Nun fell in the holy water.....
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"Like a pale moon in a sunny sky
Death gazes down as I pass by
To remind me that I'm but my father's son"

[LA Metros Hockey Player]

One from sme guy on TV a bit ago.


"The British weather is like Muslims. It's either sunni or shi'ite"

[Willincity]

The old ones are still funny and this stitch up one of the best.

Billy Connolly was at a charity do sitting next to Jimmy Tarbuck.

Tarbuck who was the auctioneer at this do said to Billy, when I stand up with this signed England football, help me out by starting the bidding at £100 big yin.... No probs Jimmy, you can count on me son.

Tarbuck Right who'll, start the bidding for this signed match ball?

Connolly £100 sir,

Tarbuck SOLD to MR Connolly
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Just read about the evils of drinking and though it's about time I gave up this bloody reading.

[DALEY MAYALL of YE PEST]

On a farm lived a donkey and a chicken, both of whom loved to play with each other.

One day both were playing when the donkey fell into a bog and began to sink, scared the donkey 'hee-hawed' for the chicken to get the farmer.

Off the chicken ran back to the farmhouse. On arriving at the farmhouse he searched everywhere for the farmer but to no avail for he had gone to town with his only tractor. Running around the chicken spotted the farmers brand new BMW Z4.

Finding the keys in the ignition the chicken started the car and sped back hoping he could get back in time to save the donkey.

Back at the bog the donkey was surprised but happy to see that the chicken had a plan so the chicken tossed in a rope and attached it to the car and pulled the donkey to safety.

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farm and the farmer was none the wiser.

A few weeks later, would you believe, the chicken falls into a mud pit and has to cry out for the donkey's help. The donkey thought a moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath he told the chicken to grab his 'thing' and then he could lift him out. The chicken gripped it with both wings and the donkey pulled him out saving his life.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented forever following these two incidents.

The moral of the story you ask.....?

When you're hung like a donkey you dont need a BMW to pick up chicks.
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SEARCHING THE FRIDGE FOR ANOTHER CAN.

[YorkCityForever]

What's the difference between Lewis Hamilton & the England football team?

Lewis Hamilton will still have a McLaren in the morning.
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The light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off...........................temporarily!

[o2baYORKIE]

Brian Barwick, walking down the street, sees an old dear struggling with her bags. 'Can you manage love?' He asks.
'No thanks' she replies 'I don't think I could handle the pressure'
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"Feeling lighter, darker, brighter, consciousness begins to falter. Holding you I start to wonder, pull you out or drag you under?"

[DALEY MAYALL of YE PEST]

The FA are replacing the three lions on the England football shirts with three tampons after the worst period in their history.

---------------------------------------

Stephen Spielberg is casting for a new film based around the great composers.

To give the film a twist and add some "ooomph" he decides to cast the parts to the great action heroes of today.

He calls Sly Stallone, Arnie, Bruce Willis and Steven Segal into his office to hear who they would like to play.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Can I play the part of Chopin? He's always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis.

"I've always been partial to the music of Strauss and his waltzes so I'd like to play him," said Segal.

"That sounds splendid," Spielberg replied as he was pleased with their choices.

Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Which composer would you like to be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach!," he replied.
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SEARCHING THE FRIDGE FOR ANOTHER CAN.

[makingprogress]

[o2baYORKIE]

[makingprogress]

[AllModCons]

I too am a popbitch subscriber. I thought the

[tomowen]

The Scottish Conservative Party
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Support football;
Boycott SKY SPORTS;
Depriving the lower leagues of football for the sake of Man U, Liverpool, Chelsea and Newcastle

[the crow]

What do you call a blond with brains?
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A labrador
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crow

[Andy Mac's Fake Tan]

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'

Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell "sand" on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'

Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher. ' If you can spell "box" on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit'

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'

'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing stones at me and calling me nasty names'

'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I tell you what, if you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" I will give you a biscuit'
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There are two things I don't like sharing with another man. One's a sandwich.

[Jards]

Top bombing major.

[Willincity]

A history teacher asks a class full of kids "What was Churchill famous for?"

Lad at the back shouts out "He was the last f***ing white man to be called Winston!"
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Just read about the evils of drinking and though it's about time I gave up this bloody reading.

[Willincity]

and this one


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Just read about the evils of drinking and though it's about time I gave up this bloody reading.