Cheer up a City fan! - JOKE THREAD

[DALEY MAYALL of YE PEST]

A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she nervously glances side to side to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up behind her.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. As cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her dress-rippling trump, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam.........if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price."

---------------------------------------------------------

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him aghast at how her husband was acting. "What the hell is wrong with you? Do you really think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "Well I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

---------------------------------------------------------

A Brummie walks into a fancy dress shop and tells the shop assistant that he’s going to a 1970’s themed night. The shop assistant gets him a flared suit, platforms, a frilly shirt, medallion and some big sunglasses.

“There, I think you’ve just about got the look” says the shop assistant. “How about a kipper tie too?”

“Yes please,” the Brummie replies, “milk and two sugars.”

---------------------------------------------------------

Bloke walking around a supermarket bumps into another guy. "Sorry mate," he says "I'm looking for my wife, I've lost her." The other guy says "That's a coincidence, so have I! She's 25, Swedish, blonde, has long legs, massive t*ts and is wearing a tight, low-cut top and a short skirt. What does yours look like?" The first bloke replies "Forget about her mate, let's find yours!!"

---------------------------------------------------------

Three friends, two straight guys and a gay guy, all died together with their partners in a nasty accident. They each had to come before St. Peter to be admitted into heaven.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly."I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either." said St. Peter. "You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously: "It's not looking too good for us, is it Dick ?!"
_________________
SEARCHING THE FRIDGE FOR ANOTHER CAN.

[Angus]

Very funny Daley, but judging by the forum tonight it looks like most on here have had a sense of humour by-pass so may not be appreciated!
_________________
"Say what you see."

GLF REVAMPED!!!!

[TooOldToPogo]

Very goo, although I doubt the combined efforts of the world's top comedians wouldn't be enough to lift us from our gloom.

However:

An atom walks into a bar franticaly patting his pockets, he looks at the barman and says, "I can't believe it, I've lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?" Asks the concerned publican.

"Yes, I'm positive!" Comes the inevitable reply.
_________________
Yeah right !

[MeMeMeMe]

2 nuns walk into a bar

I'd better not.
_________________
http://www.true-ringtone.co.uk/hawaii-50-hawaii-50-true-tone-615574.htm

[ROSDOG]

nice 1 Daley,think you should be on stage with them ones mate.

Every 2nd Tuesday in the month Black Swan Peasholme Green.
_________________
KEEP THE FAITH

[Frank]

[Willincity]

Parked my car in Tang Hall the other day and some kids asked me for some money to look after it.
I said its OK and pointed to my Dobermans in the back.

Kid replies "Put fires out do they?"
_________________
Just read about the evils of drinking and though it's about time I gave up this bloody reading.

[jhiggins]

Martin Jol singing 'I will survive'

First I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never turn Spurs into a top 4 side
But I spent oh so many nights thinking how Staltari did me wrong
Am I a mong??, but I'll just have to carry on
and we'll be back, into 5th place
I'll just wait till the transfer window to sign another waste of space
I should have sold Paul Robinson, I should have dropped him from the team
If I had known for just one second he'd concede more goals than Derby Coun-ty

Go on now go, Bent there's the door
just turn around now, 'cause you don't score goals anymore
weren't you the one we paid so much for, you were dearer than Hen-ry
I knew you'd crumble, I'd rather have Emile Hes-key,,,,
Oh no cause I, I will survive

As long as I win the next 6 games I know I will stay alive,
I've got Tainio who is shat, & Huddlestone who's just fat, but I'll survive
I will survive..

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend Defoe's relationship with his little t@rt
and I spent oh so many nights trying on John Barnes's tights
And oh I've cried, I want the Spurs job till I die!
And you see Keane, he hates me too
I subbed him off when we were winning, then we went and *ucking drew!
And now im scratching my big chin, why can't I just sell Ledley King?
If I'm gonna save my skin, I'll need some politics style Spin!!
_________________
Carslberg don't do goalscorers....
http://media.hugi.is/hahradi/fyndnar/streakerZoomedStreamV8.wmv

[Jeremy Jacob]

[lawl]

Alex Janes singing 'Jason will survive'

First Jason was afraid, he was petrified
Kept thinking he could never find a girl who was so wide
Can't stop thinking about that fat bird in her thong
is that plain wrong? or is his life just going Pete - Tong
he opened the door, to see her standing there in her fancy lace
he can't wait to get her into that local pizza takeaway place
he should have had those extra burgers in his pocket, at least until til you've tried a big-un please don't knock-it

please do not go, don't close the door
just turn around now, you're so big you'll fall through the floor
weren't you the one jason paid so much for, he bought you pound for pound. in a few years you'll be so fat, you'll be buried underground.
Oh no cause Jason, He will survive

As long as he has some lard he knows he will stay alive,
he's got rash after rash but when he takes her for a swim, he likes that great big splash
I will survive..

It took all the strength he had not to let her fall, he does not need the gym
kept using all his strength to stop her just from suffocating him
and he spent oh so many nights trying on her fat,sweaty tights
when she leaves her juices in the lining, he just cannot hide his delight
And you see thin birds, he hates them so
If only they had a few extra tyres he might just get up and go And now he's scratching her double chin, why can't you not be thin?!
JASON WILL SURVIVE

MC Janesy JJJ J UNIT
_________________
How fit is Sophie McGill?!

[York35]

An englishman, irish man and a scottish man walk into a bar..


...Barman says "Is this some sort of joke?"

[El Nombre]

[DALEY MAYALL of YE PEST]

George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy.” So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No!,” said Bush, “that would be an accident.”

A girl raised her hand and said, “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not!,” the President said. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, “Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?” Finally, way at the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and said: “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy.”

“That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?,” asked the President.

“Well,” Johnny said, “because it wouldn’t be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss…”

----------------------------------------

An Englishman, Frenchman and an Irishman find a magic lamp. The genie comes out and grants each one wish, but only wishes that would benefit their countries. The Irishman considers for a moment before saying "Well, all my family are farmers, so I would like the soil of Ireland to be ever fertile"

The Frenchman thinks for a moment and says "Our biggest problem is immigration, so I want a huge wall built around our country so nothing can get in and nothing can get out."

Intrigued the Englishman asks the genie about this wall. "It is five miles high, totally solid, nothing can get in and nothing can escape, Why?" replies the genie.

The Englishman considers this for a few minutes. The Genie begins to get impatient and asks the Englishman for his wish. He smiles and says: "Fill it with water."

----------------------------------------

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted: “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your a**e!”

----------------------------------------

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty disease. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £25. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £100. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. The National Grid comes up and he wins that too getting £500,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 25 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"

"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."

"F**k me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well!"
_________________
SEARCHING THE FRIDGE FOR ANOTHER CAN.

[DALEY MAYALL of YE PEST]

Have you heard about the launch of a new aftershave at Chelsea's club shop today?

U Go Boss
_________________
SEARCHING THE FRIDGE FOR ANOTHER CAN.

[DALEY MAYALL of YE PEST]

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Philip, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Philip," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish lad Johnny jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious.”
_________________
SEARCHING THE FRIDGE FOR ANOTHER CAN.

[willowkevin]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of quid for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?' "No I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy quid?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay, it's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex.
_________________
british standards institute - the worlds benchmark

[MrPeaks]

Gary from Barnsley goes to the vets with his cat.

"Is it a Tom?" asks the vet.

"No I've brought it with me!" replies Gary.
_________________
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got!

[MarkW]

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says; "hey - why the long face?"

[Jards]

[MarkW]

Two monkeys in a bath and one of them says: "Ooow oooow aahhhh ahhhhh ooooow oooooow!"

The other one looks at him and replies; "FFS - put some cold in then!"

[DALEY MAYALL of YE PEST]

Three workmates, all football fans, were driving along to a job when they spied a body on the grass verge. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman.

Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his York City bobble-hat over one breast. The second guy, a Sunderland fan, placed his SFC cap over the other breast. The third fella, a Manchester United fan, then placed his Red Devils bobble-hat over the woman's privates.

Soon the police arrived with a coroner who started checking over the body. He picked up the York hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Sunderland cap and replaced it. Then he picked up the Man United fan's hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time, looking between the woman's legs.

By this time, the Man United fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up my bobble-hat and looking under it? Are you some kind of pervert or something?"

The coroner responded with a wry smile, "Son, I can't figure this one out. Usually when I come across one of these Man United hats, there's an arsehole under it.”
_________________
SEARCHING THE FRIDGE FOR ANOTHER CAN.

[Jards]

[willowkevin]

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
_________________
british standards institute - the worlds benchmark

[Big Gay Bear]

Duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my
sandwich please?"

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many
ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvelous", says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey
Mr.Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the barman

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

"Of Course" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck looks confused.

"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"
_________________
Bibo Haud Pugnacitas

"EVERY BALL"

[Willincity]

A New Zealander walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

++++++++++++++++++

Lion tamer at the circus puts his willy into the lions mouth and announces to the crowd " £100 to any man who will do this" A wee Belfast man at the back shouts down "I'll do it but does it matter if I can't get my mouth open as wide as the lion?"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
_________________
Just read about the evils of drinking and though it's about time I gave up this bloody reading.

[DALEY MAYALL of YE PEST]

A tramp walks into a high street jewellers, casually drops his trousers and underpants in the middle of the shop and starts fingering his a**e. The owner of the shop cannot believe what is happening and shouts at the tramp loudly: "OI! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK ARE YOU DOING? GET OUT OF MY SHOP!!"

The tramp then points to a sign in the window which reads...

'Please come in and pick your ring in comfort.’
_________________
SEARCHING THE FRIDGE FOR ANOTHER CAN.

[Willincity]

THE SERGEANT MAJORS BONUS

The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my todger to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Sergeant Major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's todger and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Sergeant Major replied, "Kuwait."
_________________
Just read about the evils of drinking and though it's about time I gave up this bloody reading.

[yorkcity69]

[tomowen]

[ROSDOG]

A English guy moves to Scotland.
one night theres a knock on the Door.
English man answers doors to find this huge Scotsman towering above him,great big gingerbeard & massive Gulivers Travels belt.

The big Scotsman in the broadest of accents says "youre invited to a Keeleigh"

English man "whats one of them"

Scotsman " a little bit of eating,a little bit of drinking,a little bit of dancing & then lots of Sh@ging"

Englishman " I like the sound of that what should I wear "

Scotsman " just come as you are it will just be the 2 of us!"


also a Sir Bernard Manning joke
_________________
KEEP THE FAITH