Young Yorkies Obligatory Awards 2005

[Doctor Jim III]

A tad late, but nay mind. For the uninitiated, every year I present the finest stuff of said year. And every year I show disrespect to the crap stuff, severe the head/torso connecting cylinders of the severely piss-poor and generally stick it to "The Man". W/o further ado then:


Doctor Jim III award for BEST JAZZ SINGER:


The KFC Klan - "He's Awesome"

In celebration of the magical (ex) York City amigo, the very dead Kev Fan Club released a somewhat amusing audio tape of an excited crowd and an exceptional male screaming, "He's awesome!" Hurrah then for http://www.geocities.com/kingmouse86/awesome.mp3.


Doctor Jim III award for CLEANING PRODUCT OF THE YEAR:

Cillit Bang


Reckitt Benckiser's relative newcomer in the cleaning department wins this one. With the help of a series of hilarious advers littered through 2005, Cillit Bang climbs on top of Ajax and Cif and squirts its perfectly formed pink nozzle directly in their respective faces.


Doctor Jim III award for BEST CILLIT BANG RIP-OFF:

Kill It Bam

A cheaper alternative to the market leader availible direct from your local Savers. Expert usage of onomatopoeic isms and iconic symbolism conjure an image of unrivalled beauty. Possibly they're referring to a mating of Cillit Bang and hot metal projectiles, followed by a timely eschewal of pink lymphatic being. But it ain't gonna happen 'cos Kill It Bam is sh*t.


Doctor Jim III award for CHEAPEST MID-90s GAME SHOW NOW REPEATED ON SATELLITE:

The Moment of Truth
A lorra lorra "fun" laffs from ver Cilla Black. Contestants practiced a "fun" task like, ooh, making a house of cards for a "fun" week and then performed it in front of a "fun" live studio audience to make the whole experience triple degrading and "fun". Even worse was that they'd often drive home in a "fun" Daewoo (for the record, now Chevrolet). What a "fun" car. (For fun read crap.)


Doctor Jim III award for UGLIEST CAR OF THE YEAR:

Ssangyong Rodius


Crap ride, crap looks, generally crap car. One presents you with the Frankenstein of the automotive industry. Only worse 'cos it looks like they banged a grille on it for the crack and thought, "Hey, why don't we stove the front in with several large mallets and one seriously large collision with a wall?" Search for this on Google Images for the full horror story - I didn't want to blemish your worst ideas of repellent. Plus point: It might make a door stop if you scale it down. But probably not a very good one.


Doctor Jim III award for PHRASE THAT EVEN ITS CREATOR PROBABLY WANTS TO KILL VERY DEAD:


Little Britain's "I'm a laydeee"
One of a number of now caustic sayings brought to light courtesy of the purveyors of history's finest puns, the most likable David Walliams and the muchos bald Matt Lucas. Featured on the once great Little Britain, preceeding the occurence of the impure common youth ("chav" - that word can do one, too) and yer squalid merchandising masterminds getting wind of the programme. Ubiquitous in its existence and galling in its presence, the (probably piss-poor) impressionist of "I'm a laydee" Man is most very disagreeable, not in the slightest erudite and worst of all, quite possibly male. Generally insulting in all ways.


And finally, the Doctor Jim III award for BEST FANSITE FOR LONG-EXISTING BUT UNAPPRECIATED TV MALE:


Totally Trevor McDonald - http://trevor.skullthrone.net/
Boo hoo, Trevor McDonald recently retired from broadcasting. Yet nethertheless, Helen and Greg have come good for the literal TV heavyweight with their alliteratively and affectionately titled net location. Check the gallery - the image of Trev as a gothic-bent human has eternally etched itself into one's mind mash. Cute.