joke thread X

catkin · Posted: Tue Mar 09, 2004 5:22 pm Post subject: joke thread X

one day, pete complained to his friend, "my elbow really hurts, i think i should go see the doctor!"

"don't!" his mate replied, "theres a new computer at the chemist, just pop a urine sample in the compartment, 30 seconds later, your diagnosed, and it tells you how to rid the problem! and its far quicker and cheaper than the doc.

having nothing to lose, pete does as his mate instructed, pops the urine sample in and 30 seconds later a piece of paper appears say "You have tennis elbow, soak it in warm water 3 times a day for a week and you'll be fine."

lying in bed that night, pete decides he's going to have a bit of fun with this new invention, so he mixes some tap water,engine oil from his car, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and at the last minute masturbated into the pot.

the next day he returned to the chemist and popped the sample in, thirty seconds later a pice of paper appear saying.....

"YOUR TAP WATER IS HARD, GET A SOFTNER. THE VALVES ON YOUR ENGINE ARE F***ED, GET IT TO A GARAGE. YOUR DOG HAS WORMS, TAKE IT TO THE VET. YOUR DAUGHTER IS A CRACK ADDICT, GET HER TO REHAB. YOUR WIFE IS HAVING TWINS AND THEY AINT YOURS, GET A LAWYER. AND IF YOU DONT STOP W***ING YOU'LL NEVER GET RID OF THAT TENNIS ELBOW!!!"

Wink

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janesy · Posted: Thu Mar 25, 2004 10:36 pm Post subject:

i dont think u've finished the joke as i havent laffed yet thats gotta be the worst one ive heard in at least a year
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Herman the Tosser · Posted: Thu Mar 25, 2004 11:52 pm Post subject:

janesy · Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2004 10:54 pm Post subject:

i get it allrite it jus isnt funny
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ross · Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2004 10:59 pm Post subject:

Its not particularly funny and didn't get me laughing but well tried!

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catkin · Posted: Thu Apr 01, 2004 12:21 pm Post subject:

well, if you dont laugh at this, i duno what i'll do...

female pop sensation kylie minogue(spelling), male heart throb robbie williams, and everyone's favourite TV man UKPhil are leaving a swanky london bar at 3am on a sunday morning after more that seven hours drinking. As kylie stumbles down the steps leaving she struggles for her footing, slips, stumbles and ends up with her head stuck betwwen some railings. Spotting an oportunity, robbie quickly lifts up her skirt, pulls down his trousers and gives her one. After ten minutes, he moves away and turns to UKPhil and says, "OK, your turn!" with that UKPhil begins to sob, "What's wrong?" asks robbie?

UKPhil replies "I can get my head through the railings!"
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catkin · Posted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 10:15 am Post subject:

whats the difference between a job and a wife?

after ten years your job still sucks!

---------------------------------------------------

a man and a woman are involved in a head on collision with each other on a quiet country road. although both of their cars are completely smashed, the two escape unhurt. Approaching the man, the woman says, "Look at the state of our cars, yet we are both ok! this must be a sign from god that he wanted us to meet." seeing that the young lady is a pretty looking thing, the man goes along with her comment. She then goes onto say, "...and the state of my car, its smashed to pieces, yet this bottle of wine is in perfect condition, maybe god wanted us to drink this?" still pretty shook up by the accident, he takes the wine and drinks about half the bottle. he then passes it to the women and she puts the cork back in and throws the bottle into the wreckage of her car.

"Aren't you going to have any?" the man asks.

"NO", she replies, "I think i'll just wait for the police to arrive!"
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LondonVillageRed · Posted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 5:17 pm Post subject:

AcombDave · Posted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 6:39 pm Post subject:

LondonVillageRed · Posted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 6:41 pm Post subject:

Correct. One day I'll probably find myself going through the racing form guide picking out horses names that have relevance to my life.................

Wink

AllModCons · Posted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 6:42 pm Post subject:

AcombDave · Posted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 6:52 pm Post subject:

Father Patrick · Posted: Tue Apr 06, 2004 2:26 pm Post subject:

Mr Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Bush!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy
down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Bush replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,
my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Bush paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in
my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is
still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Bush asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Bush sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and
14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2
million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Bush, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Bush! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Bush. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints,
and decided there's no fookin way we can feed two million prisoners."
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